Rules for Comedy
Dear Comedy Community,
It has come to my attention that there have been several serious lapses in proper comedy-related decorum in recent times, with many flagrant abuses going completely unpunished. Now, I am a reasonable man, but the situation has become utterly intolerable. I therefore provide this definitive list of comedic faux pas for your reference and edification. Please read carefully and follow zealously.
1. Do not go onstage pissed/stoned. If, through some miracle of science you do find yourself onstage blind drunk or on drugs, keep it to yourself, especially when it causes you to stuff up a joke. If you worked in an office and said "Sorry I lost the Peterson account, Mr. Dithers- but as you can see, I’m off my gourd! Say, can I have some money now?", how long do you think you’d last?
2. If you name your Comedy Festival show with a descriptive title, say "Furious" or "In Denial", resist the temptation to promote your show with the tagline "Dave Comic is…Furious." Unless you’re calling your show "Too Busy to Spend Time on Original Marketing."
3. At the end of your routine, do not say "I’ve been Dave Comic" unless you are planning to change your name and/or die before leaving the stage.
4. Naturally, we are all deeply, profoundly fascinated by your penis and keen to hear more about it, but maybe just tell us about it in small doses, ok? If every routine ends in "like my dick", it's time to go back to the well.
5. If you are genuinely unemployed and have something interesting and funny to say about the experience of living on society's forgotten margins, go for it. If you just want to joke about how funny it is that you don’t work and how much fun it is, maybe check that your audience is not full of people who, like, work. They won't relate to it and your constant reminders that they are drudging away in nightmarish cubicles of fear and despair while you sit on your couch pulling cones and watching porn at their expense can somehow put them offside. I dunno, we can be strange like that.
6. The word "bong" is not funny in and of itself. Try harder.
6a. Telling a story about getting your dog stoned is not funny either. I have half a mind to report your arse to the RSPCA, you gormless abusive fuck.
7. Wog jokes were funny back when they were about reclaiming racist stereotypes. Now that that's basically been achieved, they're just racist again. And honestly, have you actually seen a set of fluffy dice in the last five years? Have you? Have you?
8. HAVE YOU?
9. Unless you are Chrono-Lor the Time-Eater, All-Powerful Overlord of Five Dimensions, 5 minutes means five minutes, not half an hour. Even if you're on last: unless the audience have brought sleeping bags and croissants they probably want to go home at some point before dawn. If, in fact, you are Chrono-Lor the Time-Eater, All-Powerful Overlord of Five Dimensions, do that bit about the time you wore Saturn as a hat. Man, that's a hoot, that bit.
10. If you're a female comic just starting out, make sure you aren't unconsciously mimicking Judith Lucy's infectious speech patterns. I've seen so many very talented new women comics who don't realise the extent to which they do this.
Please feel free to add to this list by clicking the 'comments' button below.
Thank you for your time,
Patrick Stokes
It has come to my attention that there have been several serious lapses in proper comedy-related decorum in recent times, with many flagrant abuses going completely unpunished. Now, I am a reasonable man, but the situation has become utterly intolerable. I therefore provide this definitive list of comedic faux pas for your reference and edification. Please read carefully and follow zealously.
1. Do not go onstage pissed/stoned. If, through some miracle of science you do find yourself onstage blind drunk or on drugs, keep it to yourself, especially when it causes you to stuff up a joke. If you worked in an office and said "Sorry I lost the Peterson account, Mr. Dithers- but as you can see, I’m off my gourd! Say, can I have some money now?", how long do you think you’d last?
2. If you name your Comedy Festival show with a descriptive title, say "Furious" or "In Denial", resist the temptation to promote your show with the tagline "Dave Comic is…Furious." Unless you’re calling your show "Too Busy to Spend Time on Original Marketing."
3. At the end of your routine, do not say "I’ve been Dave Comic" unless you are planning to change your name and/or die before leaving the stage.
4. Naturally, we are all deeply, profoundly fascinated by your penis and keen to hear more about it, but maybe just tell us about it in small doses, ok? If every routine ends in "like my dick", it's time to go back to the well.
5. If you are genuinely unemployed and have something interesting and funny to say about the experience of living on society's forgotten margins, go for it. If you just want to joke about how funny it is that you don’t work and how much fun it is, maybe check that your audience is not full of people who, like, work. They won't relate to it and your constant reminders that they are drudging away in nightmarish cubicles of fear and despair while you sit on your couch pulling cones and watching porn at their expense can somehow put them offside. I dunno, we can be strange like that.
6. The word "bong" is not funny in and of itself. Try harder.
6a. Telling a story about getting your dog stoned is not funny either. I have half a mind to report your arse to the RSPCA, you gormless abusive fuck.
7. Wog jokes were funny back when they were about reclaiming racist stereotypes. Now that that's basically been achieved, they're just racist again. And honestly, have you actually seen a set of fluffy dice in the last five years? Have you? Have you?
8. HAVE YOU?
9. Unless you are Chrono-Lor the Time-Eater, All-Powerful Overlord of Five Dimensions, 5 minutes means five minutes, not half an hour. Even if you're on last: unless the audience have brought sleeping bags and croissants they probably want to go home at some point before dawn. If, in fact, you are Chrono-Lor the Time-Eater, All-Powerful Overlord of Five Dimensions, do that bit about the time you wore Saturn as a hat. Man, that's a hoot, that bit.
10. If you're a female comic just starting out, make sure you aren't unconsciously mimicking Judith Lucy's infectious speech patterns. I've seen so many very talented new women comics who don't realise the extent to which they do this.
Please feel free to add to this list by clicking the 'comments' button below.
Thank you for your time,
Patrick Stokes
8 Comments:
I agree completely, especially with rule number 1! I used to regularly go to a comedy night here in High Wycombe, England, but got sick of lazy comedians who were pissed and/or stoned and relied on their audiences to be likewise.
Cheers RER (take it you're back home now?)...It's something that really bothers me. I mean, if (as happens) you're dragged onstage unexpectedly after a few beers that's one thing, but if you're being paid to do a job and you turn up off your scone, what does that say about your respect for the people you're being paid to entertain?
When the gig is advertised to start at 8.30pm don't turn up AT 8.30pm (or even later) "because these things never start on time".
Some of them do. Mine.
If you've been in an unsuccessful double act for years try to work out who the straight guy is and who the funny guy is.
If you've majored in philosophy and use way too many words to get to a punch line try to realise that the audience may be tuning out.
It is always better to let your work speak for itself rather than giving advice to others.
If a lot of people who started after you are must more famous and able to get an audience try to figure out why that could be.
"If you've been in an unsuccessful double act for years..."
- Depends what you mean by unsuccessful, I guess. If you mean "proud owners of an extensive, critically and peer aclaimed body of work going back ten years", fair call.
"If you've majored in philosophy and use way too many words to get to a punch line try to realise that the audience may be tuning out."
- Sorry, Mr. S, never been a fan of dumbing it down. If you can't keep up, go to the bar for 15 minutes. Or go read a book- might I recommend "Philosophy for Dummies"?
"It is always better to let your work speak for itself rather than giving advice to others."
- You'll notice that none of it is actually 'advice', unless 'here is a list of things that pisses me off' constitutes advice.
"If a lot of people who started after you are must more famous and able to get an audience try to figure out why that could be."
- that should be "much" rather than "must" I take it?
"Fame" doesn't necessarily follow from either the length of time you've been in this industry or even how good your work is. Which is why Duff isn't on TV and Eddie McGuire is, I guess.
TFM has always drawn good sized, vocally appreciative audiences, strong support from fans and the industry and positive reviews. If that's "unsuccessful" then I'll happily take it.
Thanks for stopping by.
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This post has been removed by the author.
Oh cmon boys - you need to give these yobbos some tit and bum humor while they erode their livers with mindnumbing alcohol. Sound familiar Mr Silly? Perhaps like looking in a mirror? People with an IQ of under 80 should not be allowed to use computers.
Mr Silly - yours was just a weak attempt at internet rope - would hate to see YOU on stage!!
Least what TFM do is original and funny - hehe - Dude - where's my cat...
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