Libidinous Assault

Her eyelids are delicately closed in rapture, her naked body twisting in orgasmic throes. Her skin glistens, pale and perfect. One finger rests inside her mouth, as she composes herself in a posture of sheer sexual delight.

None of this I have a problem with. It’s the fact that this is an ad for a chocolate biscuit that’s putting me off.

We’ve all heard it a million times before – “Sex sells”. For me, however, using abject sexual imagery in advertising is the quickest way to ensure that I never buy whatever it is that you’re selling. I’m no prude, mind you. Sex is awesome, breasts are fantastic and all that. I just think that it’s an insult to my intelligence to assume that confronting me with a sexual representation followed immediately by a brand name is a sure way to guarantee my consumer dollar.

I’m not idiot enough to think that if I buy and wear Lynx deodorant, I’ll be followed home by a host of incredibly hot women, all of whom have clearly decided that I’m the most irresistible man they’ve ever met, based on the way I smell. I don’t suppose that wearing Windsor Smith shoes will ever result in a sexy and partially-clad situation involving a waist-level blonde person. And I CERTAINLY don’t think there’s anything particularly sexual about supermarket variety hommus (or maybe I'm just not being imaginitive enough when it comes to dips).

This is where the whole area of “Sex in Advertising” gets a little dangerous for my money – when they start mixing it up with food. I seem to remember an ad for margarine a few years back, where some animated fettuccine spread the yellow grease on a piece of bread THAT MOANED AND WRITHED ON THE PLATE, while Barry White played in the background. I’m sorry, but if there’s one thing destined to put me off my dinner, it’s the idea that my condiments are causing my carbs to climax.

Sure, we all feel like a snack after sex, but the two activities are given separate definitions for a REASON. See, I think we’re making a big mistake in confusing our urges like this, and in my humble opinion, it can only lead to bad things. Imagine it – the young couple, about to enjoy a moment of intimacy, but somehow all the man can think about is a packet of chocolate chilli Tim Tams. As a result, the big event never happens, they both feel dejected, and she goes off alone into the bathroom with a tub of margarine.

No love in this town.
Plenty of snacks, though.

This is potentially disastrous for the survival of the human race. The signs of people confusing food with sex have been obvious for a long time – why, the penis and the vagina have been euphemistically referred to as the “sausage” and the “cookie” respectively for years now. And Jamie Oliver, “The Naked Chef” certainly isn’t helping people to make the distinction. And don’t get me started on Nigella Lawson… that uber vixen in oven mitts.

So mix up sex and food in your advertising if you must, but don’t blame me six months from now when people start dunking naked models in their coffee.