A Conspiracy of One

The Australian Open is upon us again, which for me means another two weeks of deeply unpatriotic cheering for whoever is playing Lleyton Hewitt. I don’t care if it makes me un-Australian, I don’t want to know what a lovely guy he is off-court, I want that nasty, childish punk to lose and lose heartily. Seriously, if Hewitt drew Josef Stalin playing with a racket made of soviet peasants I still couldn’t cheer for Lleyton. In fairness, extensive discussions with friends and co-workers have revealed that I appear to be the only person on the planet who thinks Kim Clijsters is cute, so my opinions on this topic may be a bit biased.

The other interesting thing about this summer’s tennis season is that Jelena Dokic is back in town. This means two things: grumpy, defensive post-match press conferences, and hilarious TV news clip packages showcasing the batshit-cazy antics of her father Damir. Now, it’s alarming how much of Occassional Outburst’s time has been spent reporting the rantings of world-class nutjobs, but when Damir Dokic threatens kidnap, murder and thermonuclear war, you better listen and listen good:

Damir Dokic says he is seeking to kidnap his estranged daughter Jelena, and has threatened to kill an Australian as revenge for her returning to the country.
[…]
Under her father's guidance, Jelena Dokic quit Australia for Serbia in 2001, and has only just returned to the Australian fold after becoming estranged from Damir.

"Australia with the help of Croatia and the Vatican have brainwashed my daughter," Damir told Serbian daily Kurir.

"I have thought about dropping a nuclear bomb on Sydney since Jelena lost in the first round this week, for which Australia is to blame.

"I have even thought about killing an Australian in revenge, but I wouldn't gain anything from it."

Damir has sought help from Serbian politicians, including an accused war criminal, in kidnapping Jelena.

"Only two were ready to help," Damir said.

"One of them however, Vojislav Seselj, is waiting to be tried at the International War Crimes Tribunal in the Hague."

So just so we’re clear about this: Australia, Croatia and the Vatican have conspired to brainwash Jelena Dokic into playing tennis for Australia. That’d be an interesting meeting:

POPE: So, Foreign Minister Downer, is all in readiness?

DOWNER: Yes, Your Holiness. We have a special RAAF jet waiting to spirit Jelena back to Australia as soon as the mind control ray being fired from Croatia is in operation. Is that ready, Mr. Croatian President or whatever you guys have?

CROATIAN PRESIDENT: Everything is set. You have my personal guarantee as President or whatever we have in Croatia.

DOWNER: Excellent. Now the glory of Australian women's tennis will be restored!

CROATIAN PRESIDENT: And the glory of Serbian women's tennis will be significantly reduced!

POPE: And the Vatican will... hang on, why *are* we in on this?

DOWNER: To distract people from all that stuff with the priests and the little kiddies?

POPE: Right, right. Carry on then.

“Oh, that Damir!” we all declare, like the closing line of some second-rate 80s sitcom, “He sure is crazy!” Which points to a curious feature of the Australian culture- we just don’t buy into conspiracy theories. I’ve always wondered why that is. Part of it is our deep skepticism of anything too earnest (which is why we’ll never have a Pledge of Allegiance, for instance), but in large measure I suspect it’s that we understand that Australians just couldn’t be arsed being involved in something as taxing as a conspiracy. If there was a plot to shoot an Australian PM Dallas-style it’d fail because the assassins couldn't be stuffed lugging the esky all the way up to the third floor of the Book Depository. Even where there is evidence of shady government doings-Children Overboard, the AWB’s dealings with Saddam Hussein, the case for war in Iraq- we can’t be bothered trying to keep up with it. "Politicians involved in a complex web of lies and intrigue? That sounds far too involved to care about. I’m sure someone will sort it out though, perhaps our politicians. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm missing Eddie McGuire's Reassuringly Inoffensive Hour."

Maybe, too, it’s a symptom of our infamous Tall Poppy Syndrome. People like to believe in conspiracy theories because it makes them feel special- "I know how things REALLY work, the rest of you can’t see it and therefore aren’t as smart or savvy as me." We don't care for that sort of arrogance in Australia unless you're a fast bowler or a Labor PM. Just having read books that don’t have a caricature of Max Walker on the cover makes you suspiciously high-falutin’, let alone claiming insight into the sinister machinations of the World Government.

Mostly, though, it’s that deep down, we know that nothing in Australia would be worth the effort of mounting a full-blown conspiracy over. Who, for instance, could have been bothered murdering Harold Holt? Again, it takes a special kind of egomania to believe that you’re important enough for the government, the freemasons, the Rothschilds, the Reptilians and the Greys to want to persecute you. There's a body of opinion on the internet that claims the Port Arthur massacre was orchestrated by the government in order to provide a pretext for taking away people's guns. Needless to say, the people perpetuating this deeply offensive codswallop are aligned with the more extreme right elements of the gun owning community. Can you seriously imagine any Australian government thinking "hmmm, several thousand rabbit shooters with .22s are a real threat to our plans for unchecked overlordship; we'd better find some painfully circuitous way to disarm them"? Ditto the theory that the Cronulla Riots were engineered in order to legimate giving the police greater power- what government ever lost an election by increasing police powers and talking tough on law and order, pretext or not?

Still, if you think Damir Dokic is crazy, let me blow your mind by telling you that in reality, we’re the crazy ones:

Damir said it was Australia, rather than him, that was mentally suspect.
"Australia is a spoiled nation," Damir said.

"They can expect my revenge.

"I'm not crazy when I say this, they are the crazy ones who give you hot sausages before the match when it's 40 degrees celsius outside."

Well, THAT'S definitive then. Our frequent sausage sizzles are clearly evidence of spoiled insanity. Who will put a stop to this nightmare of inappropriate pre-match snacks and tri-lateral brainwashing that is Australia? Who? WHO??